A Most Slytherin Plot
by too-much-like-Luna
Summary: What a Slytherin or a Malfoy wants, a Slytherin or a Malfoy gets. And if Severus and Draco's plans work, is it possibly a Gryffindor will get what he wants as well? Severus/Draco/Harry SS/HP/DM


**Disclaimer: I own nothing Harry Potter. **

**Author's Notes: **

**I'm putting this out now because I've had it typed up for a while and I've hurt my wrist, so there may not be any other stories out for a bit, or at least not the ones I still have to type up. Plus, it's Christmassy. Pity I don't think it'd be accepted for the Mugglenet Fanfiction Beta Boards Christmas contest for the Mermuggles...**

**Warnings for fluff and unoriginal mistletoe usage.**

**HBP compliant. Snape came back to teach after Harry killed off Voldy.**

Harry was in a mood. Not necessarily a bad mood, but not a good one either. He just wanted to be left alone, and if he had to search out parts of the castle he'd rarely seen, so be it. The Gryffindor common room was too full of Sad Ginny, Angry and Confused Ron ("Why do you insist on breaking my sister's heart, Harry? I thought you loved her?") And Hermione's annoyingly _knowing_ looks.

And besides, the Gryffindor common room was just not the best place to think about your rather strong affection for two Slytherins, especially a week before the Christmas holidays.

It's possible that if Harry had known he could crash into the same two Slytherins he may have stayed inside the common room. But that was yet another thing Trelawney hadn't managed to predict, so Harry didn't avoid the corridor Snape and Malfoy were walking along. They collided with a loud "OOMPH!" and Harry fell backward, hitting his head on the hard floor, and could swear he heard every bone in his body creak when the other two men landed on top of him.

"Potter?" two voices asked him.

"Just a sec. I don't know if I remember anything..."

"That's not amusing," said the dark voice, at the same time the light voice said "Oh well, it's definitely Potter if he can't remember anything."

"Neither is having all my bones break, Professor."

"If you had broken all your bones, you would not be exchanging polite pleasantries with us. Don't you know that from experience?" the light voice asked.

"Very funny, Malfoy." Harry said dryly.

The pain receded slightly, allowing Harry to focus on the two bodies above him, and the fact that for the sake of his sanity, they'd better move soon.

"As nice as this is, chaps, do you think you could get off me?" OK, so the first bit wasn't exactly what he had meant to say, but the main point had been made, hadn't it?

They stood up rather hurriedly, and it did not escape Harry's notice that they took the liberty of brushing each other off, as if they hadn't landed on him. He was fairly certain he wasn't dirty enough to have gotten dirt on their robes.

Harry sat up, groaning at the pain in his head and ribs. "I'm so lucky you haven't decided to put on more weight now you two don't need to be in training shape."

The black eyes glared at him. "We are not exactly well liked men, Potter. Unlike the oh-so-honorable 'Savior of the Wizarding World' we do not have the option of forgetting our training."

Harry flushed. Apparently he'd hit a sore spot.

"Now, Potter, as pleasant as this has been, we have rather important matters to attend to." And with that, Snape swept past Harry, only to be unable to take more than a step away.

"Potter! What is the meaning of this?" Snape spun around and walked back the way he and Malfoy had come, only to be stopped five feet away from Harry.

"Me?" Harry squeaked. Merlin, they were so _close._

"Yes you! What have you done?"

"Nothing, sir! I don't know what the matter is!"

"Potter, we seem to be unable to go any more than five feet in any direction," sneered

Malfoy.

"I--what? No, I didn't do that! Honestly, I don't even know how to do that!"

Snape sneered. "How you managed to defeat the Dark Lord is beyond me, Potter."

Harry smiled widely at his Professor, not at all deterred by the sneer that was rapidly becoming a glare. "Oh, you know, Professor. I used my amazing charm and superb wit to face him, and then promptly forgot everything you had been nice enough to teach me, managed to kill Moldy Shorts, and then waited for you and Malfoy here to rescue me—very gallantly, I might add."

Malfoy snorted. "Potter, you know how to charm about as well as you know how to be subtle—namely, not at all."

Harry spluttered. "Hey! I can be subtle!"

"No, you can't. Believe me, Potter. I've watched you for seven years."

Harry smirked. "Watching me, Malfoy? Should I be flattered? Or scared?"

"Enough." Apparently Snape had grown weary of listening to their bantering. "Potter, what is that..._thing_?"

Harry followed Snape's upraised arm with his gaze, where he saw...

"Oh no."

"What is it, Potter?"

Harry gulped. "Umm... it's mistletoe..."

"Yes, I can see that," said Snape impatiently. "Why is it purple, and pink, and _sparkly_?" He said the adjectives as though they were the most disgusting words he'd ever had the misfortune to have to articulate.

"Ah, well, you see, they're—erm... charmed."

Malfoy rolled his eyes and Snape said "Really, Potter? I thought mistletoe came this way naturally! Charmed with what?" his voice became dangerous, and Harry shivered.

"Ah, well, the Weasley twins made them."

Malfoy groaned and said "Well, we're doomed then." Snape ignored him and continued to glare at Harry. "What does it _do, _Potter?" He had the look of a man preparing to face his death—again.

Harry took a deep breath, and tried not to wonder whether it would be his last.

"If you meet anyone within three feet of one, you're stuck until you kiss each other. And you have to _really_ kiss..."

Snape looked horrified, but Malfoy started to smirk. "You know, I think I've heard of these. Potter just... 'forgot,'" Malfoy said it as though he doubted Harry had, in fact, forgotten, which was true, "A few facts. Such as that as long as we're stuck, there's a certain compulsion upon us to speak the truth."

"That's illegal" Snape said.

"No. It's not like Veritaserum. It's only a compulsion."

"Which should be illegal."

Malfoy shrugged. "Apparently not."

They turned back toward Harry, who was wondering why it was always he that got into impossible situations. Wasn't it about time someone else got into trouble? "Is there anything you've ever wanted to ask Potter, Severus?"

"Oh yes."

"Hey!" said Harry indignantly. "How come you're both against me?"

They smirked, looked at each other, then back at Harry and said "Slytherins."

Harry groaned. "You mean to tell me that _Slytherins_ have house unity?"

"For the rudeness of that question, Potter," Malfoy said, and his smirk grew, "We shan't take care to ask only un-embarrassing questions."

Harry tried to not feel like he was grasping at straws when he said "It's not like I _have_ to answer you."

"Oh, didn't I mention? There's also a compulsion to answer." Harry had forgotten that.

"Now _that_ is definitely illegal," Snape said.

Malfoy only shrugged. "Probably." They both returned to watching Harry.

"So, Potter, who really cast the Patronus that saved yourself and Black in your third year?"

The answer was pulled from Harry before he'd decided whether it was an okay question to answer or not. "I did."

Before Harry could ask a question of his own, Malfoy spoke. "Is it true that the Muggles you lived with kept you in a cupboard for years?"

"Yes." Harry lowered his eyes, cursing mentally when he blushed. "Until I was eleven. How long have you been in a relationship with the Professor?"

Snape looked murderous (or perhaps slightly amused, Harry couldn't really tell,) but Malfoy just continued smirking. "Since September. He wouldn't have me until I was of age, and last year... well, it wasn't the right time. How long have _you_ wanted to shag the Professor?"

Oh. Dear. Merlin. Harry was dead. _So_ dead. Either the heat from his blush or Snape himself would kill him, he was sure of it. "Two years, near around" The answer was taken from him.

"Really, Potter? Even while he was playing big, bad, scary Death-Eater?"

"Yes, you prat, even then. I just tried not to dwell on it."

Snape made a show of nonchalantly studying his fingernails. "How long have you wanted to shag Draco, Potter?"

Harry could have sworn he saw his life flash before his eyes. Somehow they'd found out. They'd cornered him with the intent to kill him. "Two years."

"Indeed." Snape turned towards Malfoy, they both smirked, and Harry suddenly knew his end would not be painless. "Tell me, Draco. How long have you wanted to shag Potter?"

Draco shrugged. "Since I was eleven, more or less."

Harry was sure he heard a "Thunk" and could have sworn his jaw dropped to the floor. "Eleven?" he spluttered. "_Eleven_? Me?"

"Of course, back in the robe shop I didn't know I wanted to jump your bones--that came later--but I knew you were attractive."

Harry turned to Snape, who looked rather amused, as though he was enjoying himself far too much. "And you, you're okay with this?" He gestured vaguely towards Malfoy, and than in the general direction of himself.

Before Severus was forced to answer Draco turned toward him as well and said "So, Severus, your turn. How long have _you_ wanted to shag Potter?"

"A year, possibly two."

"What? You want to shag me, Malfoy wants to shag me, you two obviously want to shag each other, and _I_ admitted to liking you two and I'm still alive? Wow." Harry felt vaguely faint, but decided that was probably from his fall.

"Indeed, Harry. How would you like to dine with us tonight?"

"Me? Sure!"

"Good," said Malfoy, eyes gleaming. "Now how about that kiss?"

Harry gulped. "Unh... Ok..." Harry stepped closer, and then something occurred to him, and he stopped. "Hey, wait. Was I set up? Was the mistletoe here on purpose?"

Snape and Malfoy smirked identical I'm-a-Slytherin-Look-How-Sly-I-Am smirks, and Malfoy said "George Weasley was happy enough to sell the mistletoes to me once I told him what we planned for you."

Curiosity won over indignation, and Harry asked "George was OK with, well, with the three of us?"

"Since he's shagging Blaise Zabini and Theodore Nott, he's not exactly one to talk."

"Yes," Snape said. "I was unfortunate enough to see them. On the Astronomy Tower no less. The horror of seeing that was almost enough to make me forget what else happened there." For a moment they were all silent, lost in memories, until Malfoy said "So... that kiss, Harry?"

And while Harry kissed Draco, then Severus, and walked with them to Severus' office, he couldn't help but think that this Christmas was shaping up to be much better than the last.

Fin

**Do I dare ask for reviews?**


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